A moment in time

I haven't spoken much about my pregnancy and for good reason. At least I thought it was a good reason. Every person and every pregnancy is different. As women we know this. But we also hope that our pregnancies will go well. Or will go better than the previous. It's true, we forget a lot of the little things, the hard things, we endure for 40 weeks creating a small, human being. But I've never felt like I forgotten. So a lot of those hard things I anticipated to happen again. After all, if they happened during the first and second pregnancy, why would the third be any different?

I was wrong. Yes, I have the same challenges as in the past, but I also have new ones. Ones I have not been prepared for. My newest challenges come in the form of pain. For months, it was sporadic and relatively bearable. There were moments I had to stop what I was doing to recover but overall, bearable. Until the last month or so. My pain is almost constant without any rest. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm not a very happy person right now.

I keep thinking to myself "What is going on? Why is this so hard for me?" In the beginning I figured the extra pain levels were because I was in still in school. But now, I don't think that's the case. It's harder because this is a new pregnancy and I shouldn't compare. This child is new and I shouldn't compare her with my other girls. And me, I'm a different person than I was years ago during my first pregnancy. I shouldn't compare.

But I have been. And I didn't understand. And it's had me down. And negative. And angry. But it's not my fault this is so hard. My choices and decisions have not made this pregnancy worse. It's not my baby's fault. She's doing the best thing she can, thrive in my womb. I tried to pin point the difficulty I've been faced with, but no one is to blame. And I've stopped looking.

I can't walk without grimacing. But my child is mobile. I can't eat without getting sick. But my child is being nourished. I can't sit without feeling pain. But my baby is healthy. The pain brings me to tears. But my child is growing. This pregnancy has demanded more of me than I ever imagined. But I am pregnant. This is what it means to persevere.

This pain is a moment in time. Seeing it as such makes it easier to bear. It will pass. The blessing from my perseverance will be an innocent, beautiful, baby girl. She is worth it. She is my blessing. She is my gift. How can I be angry with such a reward awaiting me? I love her. My heart is full. It took a long time to get here, but I did it. "Strength is not something you have, but something you find." I found it. :)