Breathe 1, 2, 3 and breathe.....

I go back to college in 9 days. Eeekkk! Some days I feel really good about going back and I even get excited. I bought a new backpack today. It's purple, and very large. The joys of college textbooks and their size. It's been fun to do a little back-to-school shopping but it does also make it more and more real. I know this is what I need to be doing right now but sometimes it's hard to feel happy about it. So many people aren't even happy for me. They all ask "why isn't your husband in school? When will he go back?" Some come across as being upset that I'm in school and he's not. He would be if he didn't work 18+ hours a day. It's not that I don't feel bad he's not going back, because I do. He will be going next year. I would love it if we both could go at the same time, but right now it's just not possible.

I find the whole thing a bit ironic actually. Most of the people who are unhappy with my husband not being in school are my own family members. I remember when I first attended BYU-Idaho over four years ago. My family had this expectation of me to graduate with top honors and a Ph.D in hand. I'll never forget what happened when I told them I was leaving school after only one semester. Second semester rolled around and it just didn't feel right to me. I no longer had any desire to go; I felt out of place. I came home for my birthday and I just couldn't bring myself to go back. Something wasn't right. I took a week to try and figure things out through prayer. That same week an incident took place and my mom ended up in the hospital. I was the only one there from when it happened to when the ambulance came and picked her up. I cannot fathom what could have happened if she had been alone. I knew after that, that I was no longer supposed to be in school.

That weekend I went back up to campus and packed my bags and checked out. I also had a family baby blessing to attend and that's when I told the rest of my family. Every one of my brothers and my dad told me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I tried to explain that they could not receive personal revelation for me and that I knew where I was supposed to be. They were very upset and I was hurt. I wasn't surprised by their reactions but it still stung. Then not even two weeks later, I met my husband. That was no coincidence. I knew Heavenly Father had something else in store for me and that was it. My family could never see that.

So now that I'm going back to school, I sadly made the assumption that they would be happy for me. Again, I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing but it's always nice to hear that someone else is happy for me. But no such luck. In some respects I can understand. Some days I wonder what was I thinking? My husband works two jobs, we have two children, how will I juggle it all? I'm only taking four classes but they are three credits a piece. It's not like I'm taking "Learn How to Walk in a Straight Line 101" or anything. I don't really foresee my classes being hard either, but definitely time consuming. I worry about being able to have enough time to study. I think that may be my biggest fear, not doing as well as I know I can do. I don't want to have to settle for a grade just because I was too tired to study. I feel knowledge and grades are very important. I want a degree that if needed later, I can fall back on it. I don't want employers to look at my college grades and wonder why they aren't better. I just want to do well.

I know it won't be easy but I'm going to give it a try. I can only pray for the extra help I'm going to need to get through this and next semester. I'm sure I will have many stressful days but I know I can get through them. If this is what Heavenly Father wants me to do, then He will make "all things possible" unto me. Woohoo for that!! LOL